April Fool's Watch: The Witcher NOT coming to handhelds @ Gaming Target

Written by John Scalzo on April 01, 2009

News: 8-bit bouncing boobies, that's all I'm going to say.

CD Projekt RED is NOT working on a version of The Witcher for "all current-gen, next-gen and gen-after-next-gen handheld systems" and it is definitely not coming out in 2010.

The Witcher: Mysterious Secrets is said to revolutionize handheld gaming with its use of a D-Pad and "the awesome Powers of Doing on the A and B buttons."

Other special (and humorous) features of The Witcher: Mysterious Secrets include:

Prototype УMotion CaptureФ technology gives Geralt an unprecedented three (3) life-like animations.

Open world allows you to travel left and right through the Уgame worldФ without any limitations. In the future we will introduce УupФ and УdownФ directions as paid DLC.

The FREAK system, or Fully Realistic Environment and Killing system, does away with archaic save/load mechanics. If you die, the game will cease to work. So don't die.

CD Projekt RED has even supplied a look at the game's opening:

More details can be found at secrets.thewitcher.com

April Fool's Day Rating: Lame

Apparently CD Projekt RED thinks its 1999 instead of 2009 with all of the references to Game Boy Color era handhelds. That makes this joke especially lame because the DS and PSP are home to dozens of fantastic RPGs.

The Intro video is mildly amusing, but as a whole, this joke falls flat (unlike the comely maidens normally found in The Witcher).