The Bard's Tale

Written by Chris Reiter  on January 12, 2005

Review: Ridicule, Pacifism, and Groping -- that'sаhow aаBard's supposed to "RPG".

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Possibly the one and only good thing about Bard's difficult playability is that there isn't any. That is to say that those buttons you'll press aren't very complicated to memorize. All four of the back buttons manage the Bard's inventory needs while the face buttons operate his in-game details (with square for pulling levers/opening chests, X for attacking, and circle for blocking). Choosing weapons and summons are basically done in a manageable order by selecting L1 for melee attacks, L2 for ranged, R1 for AI summons, and R2 for a spirit that can heal the Bard, granted you have the required number of crystals to call her (which can be gathered from fallen enemies and from inside chests). And you'll need all the life you can get, because those enemies are insistent on defeating you cheaply and quickly. With lots of ramming power, all the Bard has is one refillable health meter to determine his life. On its own the gauge will return to full power moderately over time. Another way to get that health quicker is by paying for its restoration in certain shops. And yet another way is by calling forth a certain summon that heals the Bard and his other summoned allies while in combat, and yet another way is from contacting that one other summon as mentioned earlier. Speaking of shops though, there are weapon posts found within villages where the Bard can spend his loot on armor, weapon, and ranged items, as long as he has the expensive fees they demand. And believe me, it's hard to get that kind of money (starting off from the late hundreds and reaching into the thousands soon afterward). When there's very little money to be found even when you are sticking it to the relentless swarms of reappearing foes, who with the ability to block almost all of your attacks and tons of repetitive charging advancements, makes things greatly frustrating for the slackened Bard to confront them.
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RPG aficionados who know their Final Fantasies for setting the standards in graphical empowerment over any and all lesser titles (weaklings!), get ready to be disappointed by The Bard's Tale's sad showmanship. Really though, The Bard's Tale isn't as bad in appearance as you might be thinking. This is just another one of those stale type of hack-n-slash titles that don't instead offer a colorful beauty of definitive refinement. Rather, The Bard's Tale like so many PC-based hack-n-slashers, is seen in an overhead view where the characters are tiny. The details of the level are tiny. The quality itself is tiny (well, tinier). Assembled in darker tones, like brown rags and yellowish brown armor, Bard, his computer allies, and enemies aren't exactly distinguishable when colliding in combat. Well, the Bard you can usually point out from his shaggy hair and as the little guy that moves when you move him. Albeit, some of these ally summons share a similarity to enemies that are covered in these muddy colors. So with that in mind, you're obviously left open to an enemy's advance if (and I'm not saying it will happen, but it's an almost definite reoccurrence) you were to get confused by such a thing.
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Aspects of the motion or spell arena are nothing really to brag about either. Simple jab actions (say as an enemy butts its head forward) or weapon blows (a circling flail, flying arrows, sword swinging, etc.) each exhibit an inhibited stature. There are no "wows" to be found from the workable but non-fascinating actions that are taken from the bird's eye view of these characters. Spells, such as a green glowing blast from the enemy's side, or fire burning up the bodies of foes, don't add much to the dullness of the game either. It's not like there's a lot of thrilling moments to see, with subpar quality powering everything. Even the levels of the game are ordinary. Rigid, uninspired places like tree-filled forest paths, snow passages blanketed in white, and towns and dungeon settings that don't give much frills to their plainness. There are some neat and notable effects put into some spaces like water for example. Plow through the liquid, and puddle rings will realistically drag with the Bard's every step. Floating on a piece of cracked ice down a stream will tip the block's sides into the chilly deeps a bit when you balance on either end. But other than that, the stiff texturing given to the dirt and wood, and the lifelessness of these villages and enemy territories (other than by the force of placing a bunch of the same exact models in gear) doesn't make the game's world seem all that ingenious.
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Versed in the nature of song, the Bard is a musician who just so happens to have the power to awaken friends to his side by way of his flute instrument. Interestingly enough, there is a little ditty played when the summons are brought out, each one different from every other one. These musical pieces are soothing and nice to listen to, given their diverse instrumentally strung being. It's too bad there aren't more melodies like these, at least throughout the background of the gameplay. A lot of the time it seems as if there's nothing happening there -- outside the repetitive battle cries from enemies and allies, and artless metal clangs from banging swords and such. There are pauses in the story from time to time that do give the game a more musical flow, but it's not as funny as it's meant to be. See, when the Bard reaches a certain point in his quest, automatically a trio of things comes out of nowhere. After the Bard loots a hero who just got shot by an arrow for example, this green herd preaches in a tune about how it's bad luck to be "you." This segment is just one of the methods for how much English oriented comedy is played out throughout The Bard's Tale.
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Another, bigger means is by giving all characters in the story voices. Heavy English voices fill the air as the Bard speaks to all types of characters often to get what he wants. Sometimes streamed through a selective talk venue, a pair of evil and happy faces show on the top of the screen, giving Bard the choice to act sarcastically rude in his responses or decently rude. Either way, however, it doesn't matter which option you pick. This feature is more optional than it is necessary, in that you can go either one way or the other. The dialogue isn't very clever or funny at that. Voiced by the very same charismatic English actor (Cary Elwes) who gave us someone to laugh with (and sometimes at) in his roles of The Princess Bride and Robin Hood: Men in Tights delivers now a tasteless voice for the Bard. Sometimes a one-second chuckle may spur from the writing that intentionally tries too hard to poke fun at the RPG cliche. Bitching and blabbing on about not wanting to head to the top floor of the sanctum to defeat a boss when he'd rather just face it where it stands to hastily conjuring up snide threats to those who don't get out of his way, reflects the kind of typical humor you'd expect in that sense. To the point though: the English acting done in general is flat, and this particular flavor of comedy just doesn't come close enough to an LOL kind of funny.