The Worst Of the Xbox

Written by Nick Doukas  on November 03, 2005

Specials: Alternate title Ц Sorry, I really thought these games would be goodЕ

Tweet

Comments

It just had to happen. After my recent Xbox retrospective, it seems I would be remiss if I didn't mention some of the stinkers (hey, every console has them and they're usually Superman games) that have somehow made their way past certification. However, this won't be an article on random bad Xbox games, but instead a personal look at games I was really excited about when I wrote their previews, but turned out to be Ц shall we say Ц less than stellar.

As a responsible gaming journalist, it's never my intention to mislead readers. Based on what I'd seen of any particular game up to that point, they seemed to hold a lot of promise. Don't believe the nonsense that gaming sites and magazines are paid to give good reviews, or hype up some POS that they know is lame to get gamers to shell out their hard earned cash on junk. We're genuinely excited about the games, and often times we have to take leaps of faith because we know what we're seeing is unfinished, unpolished code. Sometimes the sum of the parts just doesn't come together in the end like it should, at which point that leap of faith starts to really sting when we hit the floorЕ.

Enter the Matrix

Look no further than ETM to see a game I was very psyched about that turned out like special needs day at summer campЕ

You'll play as one of two new characters from Reloaded. Niobe, a skilled pilot and warrior, or Ghost: a martial arts expert whose specialty is armed combat. No one can best Ghost with a gun in his hand. In addition, you'll fight alongside Neo, Morpheus and Trinity during certain sequences, which should make for some exciting scenarios. As most fans would hope for, much of the game focuses on combat, both melee and ranged weapons play. However, certain portions of the game will feature insane car chases, as well as navigation of the sewers and combat with the Sentinels, the search and destroy bots seen pursuing the Nebuchanezer in the first film. This time, Niobe will pilot her own hovercraft through the dank and twisted tunnels. Hey, there's nothing like a bunch of killer robot squid to brighten your day, right?

Whoa, what was I thinking here? No one can best Ghost with a gun in his hand? Wanna bet? Nice, very nice - I pick out a 3rd rate character from the Matrix sequels who has about 5 lines of dialogue and no personality whatsoever as Neo's big, bad back-up and the savior of all mankind. Ha!! I may as well have enshrined Jerry Seinfeld as the newest action hero of the day. ETM = Big failure with broken controls and lame uninspired gameplay, but it still raked in the dough.

Pariah

You'd think that a new FPS heavy on story and combat action from the Unreal guys would have turned out a lot better. Instead, it was kind of like being involved in a pillow fight in which all of the pillows have been treated with a low-grade, hallucinogenic gas of some sortЕ.

Take the guys behind the Unreal games and light a fire under them to do justice to a cool, story-driven FPS, and Pariah is likely to be an end result that enthralls gamers everywhere. Wild locales, impressive enemies, cool vehicles, and top notch graphics married to high quality production values virtually guarantee a superlative gaming experience.

Enthralling gamers everywhere? Well, it certainly didn't do that. In fact, appalling gamers everywhere is likely more accurate. With play mechanics that felt like moving through molasses, poor texture work in many areas, and shooting gallery lameness from the combat engine, there's very little to like about Pariah. Obviously the fire wasn't hot enough and the marriage of top notch graphics to high quality production values ended in divorce. Well, what did I expect? High quality production values let himself go and got fat, and top notch graphics took up with the Doom 3 engine and that was the end of that.

Dino Crisis 3

Wow Ц Capcom, dinosaurs, giant spaceships Ц sounds like a plan, eh? Well, it wasn't Ц planned that is Ц as this game has possibly the worst camera of all time and boring play mechanics that boil down to firing wildly at cool looking creatures that you can't see because they're always off-screen. But I sure was happy that this sub-par mess was on its wayЕ

Like I said, I love Capcom, and I love dinosaurs. I also love Event Horizon and Jurassic Park. Jetpacks and cool weapons go without saying. Hunting dinosaurs through a 6-mile long haunted house in space sounds like one hell of a gaming experience to me, and once you combine that plot idea with the amazing visuals and play mechanics, it pretty much guarantees that I'll be first on line for my copy when the game goes gold and starts arriving in stores.

Oh, but it was not meant to be. I actually didn't have to stand in line as I got a press copy of DC3. The review was less than kind, and do you know I got a piece of hate mail on that one accusing me of being anti-Capcom and some sort of corporate shill? I suppose I deserve it for that preview, but hey Ц I really thought it was going to turn out cool. Ok, I admit it - sometimes I have all the cognitive power of Helen Keller in a pair of mittens.

Run Like Hell

This one makes Dino Crisis 3 look like a system seller. RLH is an uninspired, boring crap-fest with horrible play mechanics and PS1 era load times. This game stinks so much I can still smell it, and lemme tell you Ц it ain't pretty. Watching paint dry would be more fun and Lance Henriksen's agent deserves a vicious beating for getting his client involved with a game like this.

Run Like Hell looks good, with solid character models, inspired alien design, and environments that drip with atmosphere. Long, dimly lit hallways, labs and crews quarters that drown in bleak shadows, and an overall creep-out factor that reminds one of The Thing, John Carpenter's horror masterpiece of isolation and paranoia. Which is exactly what you'll be (paranoid that is), roaming the blood-spattered hallways of the Forsetti, wondering which freak will attack you next, and just what that screeching noise behind you was.

Oh, no need to wonder. It's the developers, closely followed by the publisher, clothes-lining you for your wallet and slapping you in the head repeatedly with the Run Like Hell box. SorryЕ.

The Terminator: Dawn of Fate

Out of the entire list, this thing is probably the very lowest of the low. Did I say Dino Crisis 3 had the worst camera of all time? No, actually that's inaccurate (though that camera is bad) because DoF has the WORST camera ever. Seriously, it's like an epileptic chimp who's simultaneously drunk off his gourd on Cuervo 1800 while skateboarding down the side of Mount Everest is at the controls, and he's out to make sure you have a very bad day. Combine that with boring shooter mechanics and cheesy level design and you've got one serious stinker on your hands. You know you're in trouble when you don't want the cut-scenes to end because it means you'll have to actually pick up the controller againЕ

So far Terminator: Dawn of Fate is shaping up pretty well. The game looks to drop players right into the middle of the future war against the machines, and for Terminator fans, that's a very good thing indeed. If Paradigm Entertainment can tweak the visuals and gameplay mechanics to perfection, as well as capture the atmosphere of desperation and gut-wrenching warfare portrayed in the films, then I'll be first on line when the game releases in September. Hey, you know how the saying goes: The future is not set. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. Here's hoping Paradigm is making a killer Terminator game.

Boy, I'm really big on being first in line for this crap, aren't I? Anyway, in retrospect we come to see two things. Number one Ц Paradigm did not make a killer Terminator game, unless you count the numerous players who died frothing at the mouth from frustration battling the chimp for control of the game. And number two Ц that's it, number two, because that's what this title isЕ.number 2. Get it? Number 2? Ha ha haЕ
I don't care what age you are, bathroom humor never gets old.

Superman: The Man of Steel

You just knew this list of rotten games wouldn't be complete without a Superman title in there, right? Down through the ages of console gaming, there was always one thing you could count onЕ.someone will make a bad Superman game, no matter what the platform. The Xbox was treated to this little horror show, in which once again a developer manages to hobble the most powerful superhero in history to the point where even his closest friends turn their backs in embarrassment and pretend not to know him. УKal- El?Ф УNo doesn't ring a bell.Ф Oh C'mon Clark, not you too?!

I've always been a big fan of the Man of Steel (heck, who doesn't wanna be bulletproof and able to leap tall buildings in a single boundЕnot to mention that whole, faster than a speeding locomotive thingЕ) and I believe Circus Freak and Infogrames are doing him justice. Everything in the game has a gorgeous, 3D feel to it, and the flying sequences look nothing short of spectacular. The game will feature Dolby 5.1 3D spatial sound effects and an intense, movie like score composed specifically for this title. All the components for a definitive Superman experience are there, all that remains to be seen is if the sum of those parts adds up to a classic game. Let the waiting begin.

Keep waiting, because it hasn't happened yet. Classic game? Only if your idea of classic is an overflowing toilet full of nasty surprises Ц because playing Superman: The Man of Steel feels a lot like being the janitor assigned to go prospecting in the aforementioned toilet. They should have at least included a coupon redeemable for a thick pair of rubber gloves with this misfire. You'll want to make a career out of hurling chunks of kryptonite at Superman after being forced to suffer through this dim-witted slugfest. Better luck next time.

So there you go. The worst of the Xbox and a bunch of games I thought were going to be really cool but ultimately Ц were not very cool. As an old friend of mine once said about musical performances Ц they can't all be gems. In the case of these games, never a truer word has been spoken.