Kreate A President With Mortal Kombat Armageddon

Written by John Scalzo  on November 06, 2007

Special: There's no mudslinging in this election... but there is bloodslinging.

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Election Day is upon us, but with the lack of major contests, most politically-inclined pundits are looking towards next year's knock down Presidential election. Most people are predicting it will be a bloodbath. But before that, we'll have to go through the Primaries and decide which two people will go head-to-head for the highest office in the land. So we figured the best way to decide which politicians get our vote is to have them duke it out in Mortal Kombat. And for that we decided to revisit one of the more appealing aspects of Mortla Kombat: Armageddon, the Kreate-A-Fighter mode.

At first glance, you'd think there is little to link the world of politics to the blood-filled, mystical, fireball-flinging world of Mortal Kombat. But you'd be wrong. First, there's the obvious clichщ that politics is a dirty business and politicians are always attempting to destroy each other. Then look at your average politician, what do you see? You see an old guy in a black suit. The only thing that differentiates the talking heads are their ties. This is just like the palette swapped ninjas of the Mortal Kombat series.

So with that, let's take a look at the candidates:

Hillary Rodham Clinton (Democrat)


New York's Junior Senator and the former First Lady of the United States has earned a rather sour public image over the years. From her desire to be viewed as a УCo-PresidentФ with Bill to her quick move to New York to attempt to fill a vacant Senatorial seat, controversy has followed Mrs. Clinton wherever she goes. To top it all off, she used to be a furious anti-games crusader (even working with the dreaded Jack Thompson). But nowadays it appears she is in an uneasy truce with the ESA during her bid for the Presidency.

The Formula
Appearance: Body Type (1/7)
Gender: Female
Size: Medium (Skin Color: 4, 12)

Appearance: Head (2/7)
Face: None (Eye Color: 1, 12; Lip Color: 2, 13)
Hair: Slick (Color: 6, 15)
Helmet: None

Appearance: Upper Body (3/7)
Torso: Leather (Main Color: 12, 7)
Cloth: None
Gloves: None

Appearance: Lower Body (4/7)
Pants: Leather, Plain (Main Color: 12, 7)
Belt: None
Boots: Heels (Main Color: 1, 5; Toe Color: 5, 23)

Appearance: Accessories (5/7)
Head: None
Chest: None

Appearance: Accessories (6/7)
Arms: None
Legs: None

Appearance: Attributes (7/7)
Nose Width: 11
Nose Length: 10
Mouth Width: 10
Lip Size: 3
Cheekbones: 10
Cheek Width: 1
Jaw Width: 10
Eyelids: 8
Eye Angle: 0
Breast Size: 2

Fighting Style (Kickboxing)
Preset: Defensive
Stance: Kickboxing

Weapon Style (Cut N Run)
Weapon Type: Swords
Weapon: Ninja Sword
Preset: Optional
Stance: Autumn Dao

Special Moves
Projectile: Emperor's Shield
Charge: Cold Shoulder
Disabling: Iceball
Teleport: Teleport Grab
Throw: Aussie Bulldog

Extras
Voice: Optional
Victory: Optional

The Rationale
Hillary's attacks and fighting style are based mostly on the (unfavorable) perception some members of the public have of her. While I can't say for sure whether this perception is accurate (I've never met Senator Clinton), I can say it creates a formidable kombatant. Come to think of it, those qualities create a formidable politician as well.

She uses a Defensive stance because she is always on the defensive from critics. Her fighting style is Kickboxing because of her reputation as a someone who's not afraid to kick her opponents when they're down. A Ninja Sword is Hillary's weapon of choice because of the way she stealthily cut her co-writers out of credit for her books It Takes A Village and Living History.

Her special moves are built around the belief that a good defense makes the best offense as she uses the Emperor's Shield to protect her from the vast right wing conspiracy. Her abrupt and icy demeanor earns her the use of Sub-Zero's Iceball. Ice figures into her use of the Cold Shoulder as well as former President Bill Clinton has not traveled with Hillary in a long time. And she gets the Teleport Grab because of the way she snuck in and snatched the New York Senate seat.

Barack Obama (Democrat)


Barack Obama is a Senator from Illinois and, at 45, is the youngest frontrunner by far. Obama rose to prominence after a rousing keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention entitled УThe Audacity of Hope.Ф This speech was later expanded to a book of the same name, which has only further fueled the Obama train. Here is what he would look like as a combatant:

The Formula
Appearance: Body Type (1/7)
Gender: Male
Size: Medium (Skin Color: 2, 20)

Appearance: Head (2/7)
Face: None (Eye Color: 3, 28)
Hair: Shaved (Color: 1, 1)
Helmet: None

Appearance: Upper Body (3/7)
Torso: Suit (Main Color: 1, 6; Accent Color: 1, 24)
Cloth: None
Gloves: None

Appearance: Lower Body (4/7)
Pants: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)
Belt: None
Boots: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)

Appearance: Accessories (5/7)
Head: None
Chest: None

Appearance: Accessories (6/7)
Arms: None
Legs: None

Appearance: Attributes (7/7)
Nose Width: 20
Nose Length: 10
Mouth Width: 15
Lip Size: 11
Cheekbones: 11
Cheek Width: 10
Jaw Width: 14
Eyelids: 12
Eye Angle: 14

Fighting Style (Silat)
Preset: Aggressive
Stance: Silat

Weapon Style (Kriss)
Weapon Type: Swords
Weapon: Kriss
Preset: Optional
Stance: Kori Blade

Special Moves
Projectile: Powerstar
Charge: Rising Uppercut
Disabling: Summon Flames
Teleport: Wind Teleport
Throw: Rollback

Extras
Voice: Optional
Victory: Optional

The Rationale
Obama's meteoric rise from obscure Senator to savior of the Democratic party is closely linked to his Mortal Kombat character. But the basics are covered by Obama's early years as the choice of fighting stance (Silat) and weapon (a Kriss) are native fighting styles of Indonesia, where he spent several years as a child. But after that, Obama's issues drive his fighting style.

The Powerstar is tied to his push for alternative fuels. He uses the Wind Teleport because he wants to pull the troops out of Iraq as quickly as possible. Next, rolling back the estate tax to its previous levels are covered in his Rollback throw. Finally, Obama's attitude covers the final special moves as his rising popularity powers the Rising Uppercut and his desire to light a fire under other politicians makes the Summon Flames move a powerful disabling move.

John McCain (Republican)


John McCain is a Senator from Arizona and has been since his election to the Senate over 20 years ago. McCain served in the U.S. Navy during Vietnam where he was held as a Prisoner of War at the Hanoi Hilton for six years. He has earned a Уtell it like it isФ political style that has earned him respect from both Republicans and Democrats.

The Formula
Appearance: Body Type (1/7)
Gender: Male
Size: Medium (Skin Color: 4, 12)

Appearance: Head (2/7)
Face: Old (Eye Color: 3, 26)
Hair: None
Helmet: None

Appearance: Upper Body (3/7)
Torso: Suit (Main Color: 1, 6; Accent Color: 3, 8)
Cloth: None
Gloves: None

Appearance: Lower Body (4/7)
Pants: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)
Belt: None
Boots: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)

Appearance: Accessories (5/7)
Head: None
Chest: None

Appearance: Accessories (6/7)
Arms: None
Legs: None

Appearance: Attributes (7/7)
Nose Width: 10
Nose Length: 13
Mouth Width: 10
Lip Size: 10
Cheekbones: 20
Cheek Width: 20
Jaw Width: 16
Eyelids: 10
Eye Angle: 10

Fighting Style (Navy SEAL)
Preset: Defensive
Stance: Jeet Kune Do

Weapon Style (Warhawk)
Weapon Type: Axes
Weapon: War Hammer
Preset: Optional
Stance: Crude Hammer

Special Moves
Projectile: Chest Missile
Charge: Shadow Kick
Disabling: Air Funnel
Teleport: Mind Warp
Throw: Optional

Extras
Voice: Optional
Victory: Optional

The Rationale
McCain's strength lies in the power of his attacks (and anyone who can be a POW for six years is one tough hombre). His fighting style is Jeet Kune Do because it is used as the УbaseФ martial art in hand-to-hand combat training for Navy SEALs. The other major piece of McCain's fighting style lies in his pro-Iraq War stance. McCain is considered a warhawk by many (thus the name of his War Hammer) and the Chest Missile he can call up at anytime.

The rest of McCain's special moves are based wholly on his politics over the years. The Senator is very tough on drugs, so he uses Johnny Cage's Shadow Kick as I can't think of anything scarier than a glowing green John McCain coming at you when you're in a hallucinogenic state. He has also been a major supporter of campaign finance reform. But how does he remove ill-gotten money from other candidate's coffers? With an Air Funnel of course. Finally, Senator McCain is a supporter of allowing Stem Cell Research and he uses the Mind Warp to teleport because we all saw that South Park episode where stem cells gave Christopher Reeve superpowers.

Rudy Giuliani (Republican)


Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has become known as УAmerica's MayorФ in his days since leaving office due to his efforts in the days after 9/11. The die-hard Yankees fan has become synonymous with New York City from his appearance on Seinfeld to his frequent interviews with David Letterman. Giuliani has taken on the mob and (as you'll soon see) other unsavory individuals.

The Formula
Appearance: Body Type (1/7)
Gender: Male
Size: Medium (Skin Color: 4, 12)

Appearance: Head (2/7)
Face: None (Eye Color: 3, 28)
Hair: None
Helmet: None

Appearance: Upper Body (3/7)
Torso: Suit (Main Color: 1, 6; Accent Color: 12, 23)
Cloth: None
Gloves: None

Appearance: Lower Body (4/7)
Pants: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)
Belt: None
Boots: Tuxedo (Main Color: 1, 5)

Appearance: Accessories (5/7)
Head: Round Glasses (Frame Color: 1, 3)
Chest: None

Appearance: Accessories (6/7)
Arms: None
Legs: None

Appearance: Attributes (7/7)
Nose Width: 20
Nose Length: 10
Mouth Width: 20
Lip Size: 5
Cheekbones: 16
Cheek Width: 0
Jaw Width: 18
Eyelids: 0
Eye Angle: 10

Fighting Style (Black Hand)
Preset: Defensive
Stance: Muay Thai

Weapon Style (Justice)
Weapon Type: Swords
Weapon: Kunlun Dao
Preset: Optional
Stance: Machete

Special Moves
Projectile: Surging Blast
Charge: Split Flip Kick
Disabling: Spin Cycle
Teleport: Tele-Punch
Throw: Bouncer

Extras
Voice: Optional
Victory: Optional

The Rationale
Giuliani's time as a federal prosecutor has served him well in his Mortal Kombat incarnation. He has borrowed the sword from the statue of Justice that adorns every courthouse in the land and his cleanup of organized crime lead him to learning a move or two from the Mafia enforcers he brought in for questioning. Muay Thai, a type of street boxing, is perfect for the kind of bare-knuckle brawling these Mafioso are known for.

Rudy's special moves are an amalgam of his mayoral career and his current Presidential aspirations. As a candidate, he has shown his support for President Bush's УSurgeФ in Iraq, so he uses the Surging Blast. He has also done the Уflip flopФ on abortion as he tries to please both sides with his belief that abortion is wrong but he supports a woman's right to choose. For this, America's Mayor earns the Spin Cycle move.

His life as a Mayor is also ripe for special move possibilities including his many divorces (Split Flip Kick) and the Bouncer throw move. His cleanup efforts of both the mob and, as Letterman would say, the hookers in Times Square, make it a fitting choice. Finally, Rudy gets the Tele-Punch as his tele-port for his appearance on the tele-vision shows Seinfeld and The Late Show With David Letterman (work with me here people).

The Polls Are Closed
It's rare for the frontrunners in the early days of Presidental elections to be the frontrunners when it comes time to push that lever on Election Day. So for all we know, these four be not be anywhere near a Presidental ballet on November 4, 2008. Who knows, we might be dealing with Fred Thompson and his "Law and Order" fighting style. Or Mitt Romney and his "Mormon Muscle." Or John Edwards and his hair-raising hellfire.

But whatever happens, we'll be there to make sure the winners stay honest and the losers get their spines ripped out.

Happy Election Day everybody! And remember, vote early and vote often!