Creature Feature

Written by Chris Reiter on October 31, 2002

Creature Feature: It's ALIIIIIIIIIIVE! No wait, it's dead.

Chills and thrills, scares and screams, tricks and/or treats...you guessed it, it's Halloween time! But what does that mean for you, the reader of this Holiday feature? Nothing really. That is, unless you're the kind of person who can get into the spirit of an annual celebration of what goes bump in the night. Meaning, you must throw out your brain and hang it up at the door -- because not only are we going to eat it, but also we're going to arouse it around for a little while, while you sit back, and enjoy what we here at Gaming Target have in store for you. Don't say we never gave you anything.

Turning the tables of what is known in gaming reality, what you see below is some of the famous video game characters shape shifted into a form of twisted terror so blood curdling, so wretched and puke pumping, so...so...unnatural that you may end up running 50 miles without stopping. If you are courageous enough to endeavor the rest of these pages however, then you have nothing to worry about. Fear is a trick of the mind. And remember: you left yours back at the entrance with us...

Name: Hairy Snake
Origin: Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance
Cause of Transformation: What does David Hayter, A.K.A. Solid Snake, do while he's "retired"? He returns to his ice-covered prairie in Alaska to go dog sledding. It was one unfortunate day that while mushing across patch after patch of white that he spotted something sticking out of the ice. Snake said to himself, "I bet it's just someone's wallet." But as he turned around to make what's theirs his, he noticed it didn't look like a wallet, and continued to question why a wallet would have something that looked like fingers attached to a palm. Realizing it was in fact a hand; he proceeded to dust off the surrounding snow. There lied before him Sniper Wolf (remember her?). "I thought I killed you..." Even though the body wasn't moving, and Snake being a little crazy, he still had to say that. And that's when it happened -- Sniper Wolf arose and put a choke hold around Snake's neck with her dead icy hand, and spoke out to him in a strange Russian tongue even he couldn't understand. Afterward, Snake's pack of huskies ganged up around him and started biting away at his entire body, from head to toe. An hour passed by, and Snake came to. It was nightfall now. The moon rose to the sky, when Snake started feeling rage. His body covered itself in fur all around him. To this day, not even by Codec could you negotiate with the relentless werewolf, code-named: Hairy Snake.

Name: Lara Craft
Origin: Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness
Cause of Transformation: She's the girl everyone loves to hate, and hates to not love looking at. She's an adventurous woman who raids every tomb imaginable all for the sport of it. Who is this athletic vixen? Her name is Lara Croft. While exploring an ancient layer, said to be called "Dead Man's Hall," Lara spotted a glowing light emanating from an opening inside the cave on her way to the treasure. Guns out and pointing at a witch, Lara asked, "Who are you? What are you doing here?" In response the witch replied, "Why, I've been waiting for you my pretty!" Flattered, Lara grinned and knotted her hair around in her fingers, and asked, "Really? You think I'm 'pretty'?" Just then the witch quickly cast a spell on Lara, and the outcome was that the witch was standing in Lara's clothing attire, and Lara in the witch's wardrobe. "No fair! Why can't I...remember how to...do what I...used to do?" Lara looked puzzled, and the witch simply said, "I've gained you! I now own everything that you have, including your raiding skills, minus the looks, Ms. Croft. Or should I say...Ms. Lara Craft? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha..." After about five minutes, the witch stopped cackling and sped off to collect the bounty Lara was once after, and returned home to get some loving from the old butler who's been in need of some for a long time.

Name: The Dead and Alive Girls
Origin: Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball
Cause of Transformation: You know how it is with the Dead or Alive girls -- they're so hot you can smell them baking from down the block. Well, what if they weren't all that? Let's say that the character designers over at Tecmo have a little method for deciding what gets in the game, and what doesn't. This operation calls for a group of ladies, one crazed pervert, and a trap door. Tecmo sits behind a see through mirror, while on the other side in a padded room a group of women are gazed upon by a man with no morals or sense of direction. All he wants is women, and what he wants he gets. If none of these women are any good for him, they get put aside onto the trap door. Once pulled underneath the floor level into a cage, they're left there. That means if they're not good enough for a pervert, they must be too hideous to be considered human. It's a tough fact, but it needs to be realized in order to create the perfect simulation of the female form. On the other hand, those who have been picked are crafted into digital format for the game, while the Tecmo team just listens to the moans of the other ladies below their office floors scream, "Help me! I think I smell a dead body...and maybe even am sitting on one..." After last year's Dead or Alive 3 "selections," this fate happened to three ladies, who now have returned from the dead to seek revenge. Now as apparitions, they have possessed the people who have ended their lives...perhaps, you might even see some ugly chicks in the upcoming release of Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

Name: Tommy Verscary
Origin: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Cause of Transformation: One man: an unstoppable killing machine. That is the fate of Tommy Vercetti, Vice City's new star to hit the streets of an open-ended mobster world of his own. A day like any other, Tommy was on the run from the police in a pizza delivery vehicle, and then decided to play it cool by shacking up in an alleyway where he couldn't be traced. No one was there to kill (unfortunately for him), except for one person. It was a man he had never seen before, and one he wished he had never seen ever. This man could tell what Tommy was capable of, and what Tommy would do to him if he felt like it. But this man acted quickly, and told Tommy that he'd pay him a lot of money if he were to come inside his living quarters for a moment. After stepping inside, having the lights go out, and experiencing the smash of a mallet in the head, Tommy later woke up on an operating table. It was no problem for Tommy to break out though, with the enhanced strength he had been given, and the...what was this? Tommy checked a broken hand mirror lying on the ground and screamed in agony. He had been transformed into a Frankenstein monster! After finding and killing the man that did this to him, he cruised around Vice City looking for some action (and by that, there's more than enough meanings with this game).

Name: The Missing Link
Origin: The Legend of Zelda
Cause of Transformation: It's Link. You know...Link! Not in the way that Nintendo has given gamers the impression of lately with their new style of cel-shading, but this is the Link you once knew. Before there ever was a "Cellda," there was a "Zelda". Link's part is to be the hero, to rescue the princess of Hyrule in distress, and to defeat the evil forces that will do anything to get in his way. There have been attempts to save the older, more mature Link, but all of them have failed. Right now, this is the closest path to reaching him -- and that is to tell the tale of this poor, washed up and away character that has now turned into what looks like a Saturday morning cartoon show. Even though Link has been altered from the standard technical form, he's still around in spirit. That's all that should matter, anyway.

In Closing
Halloween is one of the best times of the year. It really is. The fun of it comes from all different perspectives. Whether you're dressing up and receiving candy, egging a house and dragging yourself away quickly and quietly as possible, simply relaxing on the couch at home watching a few horror flicks, or leisurely exploring Gaming Target's latest Halloween feature, the holiday is a must for the average, the lower than average, and even those super people who we don't know about...yet. The point is you cannot hate Halloween. So if you're spending your wasted holiday boning up on, or just boning up with this here Halloween feature -- be glad. The world is a very scary place, and you shouldn't want to go outside. Also, be sure to stay tuned to Gaming Target for next year's Halloween spectacle where we'll make up something even better, scarier, and as always, out of this world!