Haunting Holidays

Written by Chris Reiter on October 31, 2001

Haunting Holidays: My pants aren't supposed to be this wet, are they?

Host: Halloween...what an odd word it is. It's spelled so strangely, and yet, we seem to always honor this momentous holiday, this occasion. On this day, young ones prepare to dress up in their costumed characters, which range from dragon cloths, to fairy queen dresses, and even sometimes as our famous comic book and video game characters. Grown ups share the day presenting our young guests with candied apples, bundled candy wrappings (my favorite the hidden blade inside a Musketeer bar), and at times even attending parties. Other than the old or young, the teenagers too have their share of either trick and/or treating, or just assimilating households with their white-shelled eggs, and white stripped toilet paper. Oh yes, Halloween is much a day, for both young and old, kind and corrupt...it's a day that brings out the "kid" in all of us.

Our little feature here is just a fun presentation, which I hope you all should enjoy. In this Halloween piece, we're taking some of the most popular video game characters of today out of their video game casing, and we're going to ask them each a select number of questions which, for the moment of this scare filled holiday, will find out what they think of it all. We're going to sit them down for the next two days and bleed them dry of their knowledge until it better suits our interests. Have fun reading, and Happy Halloween!

Chris: I was in the local shopping center the other day when I caught our tall, Italian friend, Luigi! That is to say I CAUGHT UP with him...yes... Anyhoo, I found out more than I needed to know from his lifetime of being the shadow of his brother. So with no further ado, here he is...Luigi!

Chris: Luigi, what's it like to be number two when it comes Mario?

Luigi: Ah, yoo know...I got-a me-a own game-a comin'. This-a time, it-a be-a me, Luigi!

Chris: Oh yes, your feature debut on the Nintendo GameCube. In it, you're to save Mario inside of a haunted house, are you not?

Luigi: I-a neva in-a game anymore. This-a time, I-a get-a sumting Mario-a neva had: It's-a weapon! HOO-BOY!

Chris: So this weapon of yours, what is it?

Luigi: Me-a gettin' a vacc-a-uum cleaner. Mario is-a kid-a-napped by-a these-a ghosts...I-a have ta save-a him!

Chris: GHOSTS?! Aren't you scared, man?

Luigi: S-s-s-s-cared? No...I-a can-a do-a anyting I-a want. I-a invincible!

Chris: Let me ask you this then...have you ever been scared?

Luigi: Once-a. There-a was-a one time-a where me-a played as me-a self in-a Super Mario Bros. And-a then I-a got-a killed. I-a neva was-a the same-a afta-ward.

Chris: For me, that was always done on purpose.

Luigi: WHY-A! YOU-A MEAT-A BALL! IZA GUNNA KEEL YOU!

Chris: Captain's log entry #407: Never offend an Italian plumber. Anyway, uh, so Halloween's on the way...what are you going as?

Luigi: Me-a gunna be-a Mario, and-a he-a gunna be-a me. We're-a gunna be-a the-a Mario Bros.!

Chris: Why don't you guys just go as yourself?

Luigi: Mario-a promise me that-a if I-a eva get-a me-a own-a video game-a, that-a, he-a do-a whateva I-a want.

Chris: Wouldn't you rather have him buy you a really expensive item...like an X-Box?

Luigi: I-a would rather-a see-a Mario in-a dress!

Chris: Oh I see. Well, that's it for now. Thanks Luigi for your time. I hope I can take time out of your busy bit eating life again sometime.

Luigi: You-a macaroni, next-a time youza gunna get-a the kiss-a o' death!

Meanwhile, in another part of the world..

Adam: Hello folks, I just have returned from a local Wal-Mart sporting goods section, and you'll never guess who I came across! The one and only (well I think so, anyway, considering he was a test tube baby and all) Solid Snake! That's right, the star of the hottest PlayStation 2 game this fall, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. The Snake was kind enough to grant me an interview on the spot, and this is what I came up with.

Adam: So Snake, how ya doing? How's Meryl? How's Otacon?

Snake: Meryl is..is..(cut off)

Adam: I know, infertile. Poor guy, no little Solid Snakes in your future. Anyway, how's Otacon? I know you two are close..

Snake: He's doing fine, but he keeps complaining about my haircut..what's so wrong with a mullet?

Adam: I was just getting to that. What's with the mullet? In this Halloween time, with scary stuff, nothing is as scary as seeing someone as badass as Solid Snake, with such a ridiculous haircut!

Snake: Why you..(pulls out SOCOM pistol)

Adam: Heeeeeeeey I was just kidding Snake! You know, УhahaФ, now please get that gun away from my crotch..

Snake: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were joking! HAHAHA *snort* Hey, you're kinda cute!

Adam: Uhhh..next question! (moving back a little farther) Does anything really scare you Snake? You've been infected with Foxdie, fought with your test tube brother in a duel of invincibility, fallen in love with the Colonel's daughter, and have learned the values of that Stealth Camouflage. So, what scares you?

Snake: Well now that you mention it, remember when I had to smuggle my cigarettes in my stomach when I went to Shadow Moses Island? Well, I was always afraid I would digest them, and then fart, lighting up the smokes and setting my ass on fire. I about peed my pants Сtill I could get them out.

Adam: UhЕ okayЕ

Snake: I'm also afraid of bunny rabbits, and that guy in charge of Nintendo.

Adam: (beginning to get scared himself) Hmm..hey, you ever tried to use that Stealth suit to, you know, get in some pretty lady's jeans? Or tried to scare someone with it?

Snake: Hehe, there was that one time with Mei Ling, but then she threatened to cut off my..(interrupted)

Adam: Oh that's ok Snake, we don't really need to go there. Carry on though.

Snake: There was that one time, scaring Otacon with it. Funny guy, he developed it and still creeps out when I sneak into his house for breakfast every Sunday before the ice skating show.

Adam: Ice skating? Not football, or competitive cookie baking?

Snake: Oh snap, I forgot about the cookie baking show! Damn!

Adam: One last question: Why do they call you Solid Snake? Something about you that's gifted?

Snake: Wanna know a secret? I was the one who created Viagra. See the connection?

Adam: Uh huh. Well Snake thanks for your time. We'll be looking for your new game on November 13th!

Snake: No problem. Hey, wanna catch a movie and get some pizza later?

Adam: Sorry Snake, no can do. Maybe next time..(turns around and heads for the hills screaming for mommy)

Finally, in one other part of the universe..

Patrick: Hi, Patrick here with Tina Armstrong from the infamous Dead or Alive Series. I've nabbed an exclusive interview with her to discover if anything can in fact, scare the great Tina. Lets find out.

Patrick: Tina, what got you into wrestling?

Tina: I suppose my father did. He's been a wrestler for many years, and being his only kid, wanted me to carry on the family legacy.

Patrick: Yeah, legacy is good. But tell me, is there anything else you'd rather do?

Tina: Actually, yes. I have always wanted to model. I mean, I do have the body for it, don't you agree?

Patrick: Umm.. yeah. You sure do.

Tina: You'd better say that. (laughs)

Patrick: Anyway, what do you have on there? I see you aren't wearing your normal wrestling garb.

Tina: Yeah, I have on my kitty outfit. This is Halloween after all. MeowwwwЕ

Patrick: True. Well, being Halloween and all, is there anything that scares you?

Tina: Well not much, but there is one thing that does.

Patrick: What's that?

Tina: The WWF scares me. All those fake people. Yikes.

Patrick: The WWF? Wow.

Tina: Yeah, and my father. But I can beat that old man in a heartbeat. (In the background, Bass: TINA!!!) Yikes.. gotta go.

Patrick: Well, there goes Tina, afraid of only 2 things, her father, and the fake WWF. Gotta admit though, damn she looks good in that kitty suit. Well, that's it for me. I'm out.

Host: There you have it! Halloween is over for us here on the site, but there's always until next year when we'll think of something else, and preferably better, to scare the daylights out of you. Until next time then...have a great holiday!